Fears, Worry and Concern

   What is your biggest fear? How to you feel about these fears? What is your concern with these fears? If anyone has ever been to a therapist or so that these are the questions that they regularly tend to ask if you tell then you are feeling anxious. Well, I never felt anxious before. Sure I had panic attacks in college because lets be honest, I was paying for it, and all I wanted to do was sleep and eat.

Leaving Target last night, one hit me. Right in the chest, like a gunshot. I couldn't breathe, my vision was tunneled and I felt disoriented. My breathing turned into wheezing and I closed my eyes for a few moments. There should be a warning on panic attacks, rule number one. DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES.   Man did that make things so much worse. My loving, amazing, selfless, supportive, lumberjack husband drove home in silence knowing something wasn't right. Led me to the bedroom, put me in bed, and shut the lights off.  I sat there in the dark for a minute getting my breath under control. 

Am I losing it? I know to a lot of you this sounds a little off the rocker but quitting my job wasn't an easy decision for me. I know it sounds weird but there is more to me leaving then just staying at home. But that's some personal stuff and we don't want to go there until I know all the answers. I didn't really want to leave, I had to leave. Not by their omission but my own. 

I was the bread winner, I always took care of others and now I'm the one being taking cared of. I'm the one who is clipping coupons, organizing play dates, making leprechaun traps (who knew that you needed one of those?) I feel guilty that he has to work so hard, and stay at work so late. Lumberjacks hours very from 6 am to 9 pm and sometimes he doesn't get to put munchkin to bed or say goodnight. I feel guilty for those moments, that I'm taking those away from him. My anxiety stems from, holy shit can we do this, to I'm useless and not contributing to the relationship. But I felt a turning point last night. 

While the Lumberjack and I went through Munchkins bag pack we noticed that her report card was in there for the semester. Reading it, she has improved in all areas. Including writing, spelling, sounding out of words and general knowledge of sight words and how to spell and place them in a sentence. Then the teacher stated "Whatever changes that have been made at home seems to be allowing Mallory to expand and explore and therefore helping her elevate her learning experiences. Thank you so much for all the continued support that you have given her."    

You mean that I did something write? The past month I've been dealing with the questions that; am I doing the right thing? Is this what we want to do? Is this what we need to do? Can we afford this? Can I go through this. Its hard for me to explain to you guys how much change has happened in less then 6 months. I get married, gain a child, change from a single woman to a married one and my relationships have changed with my friends, family, etc.Quit my job and take on being a stay at home mom. But I will tell you one thing. At least I did ONE thing right. I'm helping mold and education this young individual to be a better adult in the future.  One reason why I never wanted children was the reasoning behind this:

What if I completely ruin them as an adult?

My Yoda explained to me that you do the best that you can with what you have. Then you mold, and shape and educate. When the time comes, you let them go. Let them explore and let them learn and let them fall. If you did a great job, they will get back up. If they don't, its not your parenting because you taught them to stand when they fall, cry when needed to but to keep pushing forward no matter what. 


So my letter to the anxiety/panic attack last night: 

Screw off. I got this. We've got this. I don't need your insecurities, your worry, your concern and your fear.