Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggidy Dog

If anyone of you can name that song, you win mother of the year award. The prize? A night out of your house and away from Disney Junior. I don't mind Disney Junior. I actually prefer it over some of the other mind numbing crap that's currently called "educational" shows. Spongebob? We call know to understand that, one needs to be remotely numb with alcohol or some other mind suppressing recreation. Beyond this, I just wanted to give two thumbs up for some on of those shows out there, that not only teach children about numbers, letters, math, and other facts that my child loves to bring up.

I know that I limit her television intake, I also do other activities for her relating to whats she learned in school. Such as making it rain since munchkin is learning about rain forest.

 (for those of you who will know what I'm talking about.) We've made dancing leprechauns for St. Patrick's day, rainbows with fruit-loops etc. Munchkin can also not only recognize her sight words (which is all that is required by school) but can also SPELL each of them. I know it sounds crazy and everyone's probably wondering, well DUH I mean come on. For her age group this is an amazing accomplishment! We've worked incredible hard on our part to go this far with this much success and  honestly, seeing how proud she is of herself is all the reward we need!

Well, we will be having some life changing situations coming up for Munchkin where we will not have her all the time. I'm afraid that munchkin will go back to how she was before. The attitude, the hitting, the lack of trying etc. I'm not sure how this is going to work out but I'm incredible nervous, and scared and all of the things that any parent, step parent etc would feel.  At place B (that's what we will call it) She's put in front of a T.V. with no interaction, no one plays with her, challenges her, or makes her think. As long as Munchkin is quiet that's all that anyone cares about. I'm not sure how well she will do, or I for that matter with all these changes.

 I asked Lumber Jack if he wanted me to get another job, or do something for that time that I will be away from Munchkin and he said theres no need or point to do it. So I guess what am I going to do with free time? My house is already cleaned, organized and stuff... Maybe next I'll get a dog?

Fears, Worry and Concern

   What is your biggest fear? How to you feel about these fears? What is your concern with these fears? If anyone has ever been to a therapist or so that these are the questions that they regularly tend to ask if you tell then you are feeling anxious. Well, I never felt anxious before. Sure I had panic attacks in college because lets be honest, I was paying for it, and all I wanted to do was sleep and eat.

Leaving Target last night, one hit me. Right in the chest, like a gunshot. I couldn't breathe, my vision was tunneled and I felt disoriented. My breathing turned into wheezing and I closed my eyes for a few moments. There should be a warning on panic attacks, rule number one. DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES.   Man did that make things so much worse. My loving, amazing, selfless, supportive, lumberjack husband drove home in silence knowing something wasn't right. Led me to the bedroom, put me in bed, and shut the lights off.  I sat there in the dark for a minute getting my breath under control. 

Am I losing it? I know to a lot of you this sounds a little off the rocker but quitting my job wasn't an easy decision for me. I know it sounds weird but there is more to me leaving then just staying at home. But that's some personal stuff and we don't want to go there until I know all the answers. I didn't really want to leave, I had to leave. Not by their omission but my own. 

I was the bread winner, I always took care of others and now I'm the one being taking cared of. I'm the one who is clipping coupons, organizing play dates, making leprechaun traps (who knew that you needed one of those?) I feel guilty that he has to work so hard, and stay at work so late. Lumberjacks hours very from 6 am to 9 pm and sometimes he doesn't get to put munchkin to bed or say goodnight. I feel guilty for those moments, that I'm taking those away from him. My anxiety stems from, holy shit can we do this, to I'm useless and not contributing to the relationship. But I felt a turning point last night. 

While the Lumberjack and I went through Munchkins bag pack we noticed that her report card was in there for the semester. Reading it, she has improved in all areas. Including writing, spelling, sounding out of words and general knowledge of sight words and how to spell and place them in a sentence. Then the teacher stated "Whatever changes that have been made at home seems to be allowing Mallory to expand and explore and therefore helping her elevate her learning experiences. Thank you so much for all the continued support that you have given her."    

You mean that I did something write? The past month I've been dealing with the questions that; am I doing the right thing? Is this what we want to do? Is this what we need to do? Can we afford this? Can I go through this. Its hard for me to explain to you guys how much change has happened in less then 6 months. I get married, gain a child, change from a single woman to a married one and my relationships have changed with my friends, family, etc.Quit my job and take on being a stay at home mom. But I will tell you one thing. At least I did ONE thing right. I'm helping mold and education this young individual to be a better adult in the future.  One reason why I never wanted children was the reasoning behind this:

What if I completely ruin them as an adult?

My Yoda explained to me that you do the best that you can with what you have. Then you mold, and shape and educate. When the time comes, you let them go. Let them explore and let them learn and let them fall. If you did a great job, they will get back up. If they don't, its not your parenting because you taught them to stand when they fall, cry when needed to but to keep pushing forward no matter what. 


So my letter to the anxiety/panic attack last night: 

Screw off. I got this. We've got this. I don't need your insecurities, your worry, your concern and your fear.  

How proud are you really?

How proud are you? Of yourself, of others or even just a situation that was handled. This is something I've been handling on the inside and I felt the need to get it out. 

Before quitting my job, my husband and I had a long conversation about financial security and if we could even do this. Of course we make this happen and we do the best that we can for our family. It's not just about newest clothes or most updated movies. Quality time with each other making forts or reading stories. From my childhood those are the things that I remember. With us being adults and having to walk a fine line between being a child or an adult and especially if you are recently married its even harder to find where you fit. During this time I was nervous but I knew that I could do it. So I needed some backup, I went to my guru, my Mr. Miyagi about life, my know it all, My mom. I asked her, are you proud of what I've done? 

The crazy thing is, she couldn't give me an answer. All I received was, whats best for you and your family, that's something that only you can know.  How proud am I of myself? Do I still need my mothers approval for what I'm doing?  There are moments where I'm not sure of what I'm doing but I feel like I'm doing a good job. Sometimes at the end of the day you just need someone to hug you, and tell you, Yes I'm proud of you and you are doing an amazing job. 

To all of the moms, step moms, grand-moms  dads, step dads and granddad, here is your virtual hug. Yes, I am proud of you for being selfless and putting others before you. Yes, I am proud of you for putting yourself on hold, your life, your job, or even being able to work and take care of your family at the same time. You are doing an amazing job.

I leveled up in real life.

It wasn't like I hit enough gold coins, or captured the flag, in parenting I leveled up. 

I've never been a mother type. At least to my self, to others maybe but I never felt that I would be one to ooh and awe and coo or kiss boo boos. After a few rough days acclimating myself to this "stay at home here me roar" days we finally had a break through. I'm not sure if many other parents go through this stage or not but it's literally draining,

 The dreaded WHY stage...

Why do I have to brush my teeth? 

Why do I have to wear a seat belt?

Why do I need to change my underwear?

Why does it look like you are turning red?

Why do I need to do homework?

Why, Why, Why, Why. 

I never wanted to be the adult that always stated.. because I said so. 

I never yelled, or screamed and I calmly explained about why we do the things we do and the effects that happen if we don't follow those things. It happened, I finally flew off my rocker. After about a series of 100  20 questions I finally reached my maximum of questions and I blew. I said those dreaded "Because I said So."  At this point the child ruled the house, what to do, when to do it, whats going on etc. Yes this is completely my fault but I thought if I kept her happy the child would listen to me. Boy was I wrong. I finally yelled and set her to her room, there were tears, screams and false temper tantrums. 

There was shift in the force after this moment. I know know if the heavens opened up and a light was shining or what. After this moment there was a shift in the universe. I finally became an authority figure. Now don't get me wrong, I tend to not yell at the child, or anything else but I finally can give a stern look at her, she takes me seriously.  

After all this I'm still dealing with self worth. All those moms out there, do you ever need to have a self worth fulfilled. When your husband comes home, would you sometimes like for him to say "great job, doing homework, cooking, dinner, and cleaning the house and keeping the child alive!" Or am I just over thinking this. I'm used to having constructive criticism at my previous place of employment but now, I'm not sure what to do. I need to feel useful. I guess my issue is that even with working 60 hours a week I still cooked dinner, cleaned the house and helped with homework. I'm just not sure if this is what I meant to do. Anyone else have these insecurities? 

What happens when life stops....

I'm starring at the glow of my miraculously bright cell phone light (I really need to lower that) check the time once again... it currently reads 5:45 A.M. If this were a normal day I would be getting ready for a 9+ hour day of work, running from room to room trying to figure out schedules and where the doctors go. This day is different. This day is the day that I have to change my identity from a hard working independent women to a... stay at home mom. Now before I hear all the yells and cries and how being a stay at home mom is the hardest job. (Trust me I know) I need to explain a few things.

1. I never thought I would get married.. Well it's been 108 days since I've said I Do.
2. I never wanted kids... My husband has a 6 year old munchkin who I adore.
3. My job was my life.

Lets go back to #3. My job was my life.. I did not work to live.. I lived to work. How can someone who is constantly going and multitasking change their life? It feels that there was a complete halt in my life.
My mother raised me to believe in taking care of yourself, doing things for you, and never letting someone control your life. To say the least we were raised to be very independent females.

So I start on this journey of being in charge of a schedule for a little one, taking care of what to do and where we go and whats for lunch. I've also never looked forward towards bed time so much in my life.

I guess the real question is, am I doing the right thing? Am I doing whats best for my family? For my relationship with my husband? And our daughter? I'm not sure of the answer yet. But I feel like I'm in the right direction. I know there will bumps along the way and things may not be going how I want them.. but I guess in the end as long as their alive happy, healthy and you still hear I love you at the end of the night. I'm doing something right.