What do we consider normal?

So, it's been a while, but there have been so many things going on that I couldn't even sit down and process it. So, as some of you know we've had munchkin almost full now, since Jelly (what we call her mother) can't "handle" her daughter. We've had her full time minus two weekends out of the month where she will visit Jelly.

 Recently Jelly stated that she had a place to live etc and that she was taking Munchkin on again on a week by week basis. This point I had anxiety issues because when Munchkin goes to Jellies she comes back with this horrible attitude and hates the world and I am at the top of her hate list. Well, when we got munchkin back we realized barely any of her homework was done, and the ones that were completed weren't spelled properly etc. I know, I know sounds crazy but Munchkin goes to a very top rated school and they expect the best. This shows to me that Jelly doesn't help her with her homework or go over her homework at all. Then she's been coming back with bruises that look like someone has pinched her. I'm not sure what to do about this. So I did what any responsible adult would do. I called them in and made them known to the state.

 Lumberjack and I decided to take more action on the matter. We filed for full custody. We are not sure how this is going to work, or if it is. We filed once before but were turned down which is crazy to me considering Jelly is unstable, and doesn't have a proper home, well no home at all right now.  I just don't know what I should or shouldn't do. We keep everything the same at our house because consistency is key with it comes to munchkin! 

The major issue is I'm not sure how to handle her attitude, her constantly fighting me,and her the anger. I try to just smother it with love, but how long does that last?  To make things feel more at home, and also to curb my craving for having a child we decided to get a dog! She's sweet and lovable and follows me and lumberjack everywhere! Due to Munchkins anger issues in the past I'm concerned about her with the sweetness. She's hurt other dogs in the past so I'm not sure how this will go but I'm hoping for the best and to learn some responsibility and how to care and love for another being.  

We are just trying to find our groove as a family but all these monkey wrenches keep getting thrown in. I wish things would just be easy for our family and every-time things are going well, something happens and then we have larger problems down the road. 

The bigger issue that we end up with is that Munchkin believes that Jellies behavior is normal,  and I don't know how to explain to her that NO, NO it is not normal for your mother to act that way towards you, to behave that way and to leave you! I would never leave you!! Ever! I love you, and want to be around you and I miss you when you are gone! Why would your mother leave, or move, or try to not be around you and be so selfish! My thought  everyday is always about my family.

How can someone be so careless, and selfish that their thoughts and actions are only about themselves and never about their family or loved ones. I don't understand how someone can be called a mother or a parent and yet, behave that way. 

I have a sweet and wonderful sister who wants nothing more than to be a mother, but can she? No, due to her heart defect she can no longer have children, bear children etc. Yet here is this miserable cretin who has a child that doesn't want it, and only wants the child support. She makes me sick. (End rant)

Sorry, I just needed an outlet to let that go. Its hard to hold all of that in and not talk to it about anyone, I don't want to upset Lumberjack about it, and I sure can't talk to Munchkin since she's little.   


Thank you again for listening, reading, or just browsing by. 

Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam...

Quote from the Princess Bride 

Marriage is not an easy task, obviously, right. Please introduce eye rolling and hearing, really lady! 

Well my relationship had a slight twist recently. I'm sure sure once everyone is pass the blessed Honeymoon stage things change.. Do they change drastically? No, over time they do. I'm not sure where I am, or who I am at this moment in the relationship. I'm nervous because
 1. I don't don't want to disappoint.
2. I don't want to appear selfish in anything that I'm doing. 
3. I'm not 100% sure what I'm supposed to do. 

I try to be there for the lumberjack. I try to be supporting and caring and I take care of everything around the house. But I feel unimportant. I feel like a small speck of carelessness that's left over on the bottom of a broom.
I'm going to mention something that no one should mention. Sex. Intimacy. Intercourse. Procreating. Whatever you want to call it. When to have it? When to not have it? I've become some what obsessed with intimacy and how it effects relationships. Has anyone ever watched 7 days of sex?
 7-days-of-sex   

I'm not saying that this is something I should do. Or something that is designed for any couple. It's interesting, we went from having sex on the regular to barely having it at all. I don't mean since our marriage but literally from day 1 of our relationship we would have intimate nights up to 5 times a week. Now it's barely one. At first, I'm sure most females go through this mentally, I thought it was me. I figured that on some level I wasn't pretty, or beautiful or lost some sort of sexual passion that we used to have for each other and that it was all my fault. Then I feel in a self loathing slump (hence the absence to the internet in general). With that being sad I went to my go to to make me feel better such as relentless Sex and the City marathons and fear for myself I realized that the issues won't solve themselves. 

One date night we were laying in bed watching a movie, I couldn't even tell you what it was and I finally said something to the Lumberjack. His face was one full of emotions, embarrassment, sadness, shame. He's had the same thoughts going through his head and I had mine but didn't want to upset me to bring them up. So we did. Together. We talked and cried (which is a rarity for himself and myself since I tend to be a tad bit unemotional), through the tears came understanding. In his part it's for lack of wanting to, it's lack of energy etc. Lumberjack works 14 hours or more a day and is exhausted when he comes home. By the end of my day I'm completely drained mentally dealing with Munchkin and doctors etc. 

We decided to talk actively and emotionally  and openly with each other. I'm sure that it sounds simple and easy etc for most people but for me its hard to open up. To let myself have mistakes and not be this amazing person etc. (Just kidding on the amazing) It is incredible hard for me to fail, at anything and I don't want to fail at this. I also need to realize that there are no right or wrong answers for a marriage. A marriage is based solely on two people. Not the experience of 17 people and what they think.There are no rules, just honesty and understanding.  

Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggidy Dog

If anyone of you can name that song, you win mother of the year award. The prize? A night out of your house and away from Disney Junior. I don't mind Disney Junior. I actually prefer it over some of the other mind numbing crap that's currently called "educational" shows. Spongebob? We call know to understand that, one needs to be remotely numb with alcohol or some other mind suppressing recreation. Beyond this, I just wanted to give two thumbs up for some on of those shows out there, that not only teach children about numbers, letters, math, and other facts that my child loves to bring up.

I know that I limit her television intake, I also do other activities for her relating to whats she learned in school. Such as making it rain since munchkin is learning about rain forest.

 (for those of you who will know what I'm talking about.) We've made dancing leprechauns for St. Patrick's day, rainbows with fruit-loops etc. Munchkin can also not only recognize her sight words (which is all that is required by school) but can also SPELL each of them. I know it sounds crazy and everyone's probably wondering, well DUH I mean come on. For her age group this is an amazing accomplishment! We've worked incredible hard on our part to go this far with this much success and  honestly, seeing how proud she is of herself is all the reward we need!

Well, we will be having some life changing situations coming up for Munchkin where we will not have her all the time. I'm afraid that munchkin will go back to how she was before. The attitude, the hitting, the lack of trying etc. I'm not sure how this is going to work out but I'm incredible nervous, and scared and all of the things that any parent, step parent etc would feel.  At place B (that's what we will call it) She's put in front of a T.V. with no interaction, no one plays with her, challenges her, or makes her think. As long as Munchkin is quiet that's all that anyone cares about. I'm not sure how well she will do, or I for that matter with all these changes.

 I asked Lumber Jack if he wanted me to get another job, or do something for that time that I will be away from Munchkin and he said theres no need or point to do it. So I guess what am I going to do with free time? My house is already cleaned, organized and stuff... Maybe next I'll get a dog?

Fears, Worry and Concern

   What is your biggest fear? How to you feel about these fears? What is your concern with these fears? If anyone has ever been to a therapist or so that these are the questions that they regularly tend to ask if you tell then you are feeling anxious. Well, I never felt anxious before. Sure I had panic attacks in college because lets be honest, I was paying for it, and all I wanted to do was sleep and eat.

Leaving Target last night, one hit me. Right in the chest, like a gunshot. I couldn't breathe, my vision was tunneled and I felt disoriented. My breathing turned into wheezing and I closed my eyes for a few moments. There should be a warning on panic attacks, rule number one. DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES.   Man did that make things so much worse. My loving, amazing, selfless, supportive, lumberjack husband drove home in silence knowing something wasn't right. Led me to the bedroom, put me in bed, and shut the lights off.  I sat there in the dark for a minute getting my breath under control. 

Am I losing it? I know to a lot of you this sounds a little off the rocker but quitting my job wasn't an easy decision for me. I know it sounds weird but there is more to me leaving then just staying at home. But that's some personal stuff and we don't want to go there until I know all the answers. I didn't really want to leave, I had to leave. Not by their omission but my own. 

I was the bread winner, I always took care of others and now I'm the one being taking cared of. I'm the one who is clipping coupons, organizing play dates, making leprechaun traps (who knew that you needed one of those?) I feel guilty that he has to work so hard, and stay at work so late. Lumberjacks hours very from 6 am to 9 pm and sometimes he doesn't get to put munchkin to bed or say goodnight. I feel guilty for those moments, that I'm taking those away from him. My anxiety stems from, holy shit can we do this, to I'm useless and not contributing to the relationship. But I felt a turning point last night. 

While the Lumberjack and I went through Munchkins bag pack we noticed that her report card was in there for the semester. Reading it, she has improved in all areas. Including writing, spelling, sounding out of words and general knowledge of sight words and how to spell and place them in a sentence. Then the teacher stated "Whatever changes that have been made at home seems to be allowing Mallory to expand and explore and therefore helping her elevate her learning experiences. Thank you so much for all the continued support that you have given her."    

You mean that I did something write? The past month I've been dealing with the questions that; am I doing the right thing? Is this what we want to do? Is this what we need to do? Can we afford this? Can I go through this. Its hard for me to explain to you guys how much change has happened in less then 6 months. I get married, gain a child, change from a single woman to a married one and my relationships have changed with my friends, family, etc.Quit my job and take on being a stay at home mom. But I will tell you one thing. At least I did ONE thing right. I'm helping mold and education this young individual to be a better adult in the future.  One reason why I never wanted children was the reasoning behind this:

What if I completely ruin them as an adult?

My Yoda explained to me that you do the best that you can with what you have. Then you mold, and shape and educate. When the time comes, you let them go. Let them explore and let them learn and let them fall. If you did a great job, they will get back up. If they don't, its not your parenting because you taught them to stand when they fall, cry when needed to but to keep pushing forward no matter what. 


So my letter to the anxiety/panic attack last night: 

Screw off. I got this. We've got this. I don't need your insecurities, your worry, your concern and your fear.  

How proud are you really?

How proud are you? Of yourself, of others or even just a situation that was handled. This is something I've been handling on the inside and I felt the need to get it out. 

Before quitting my job, my husband and I had a long conversation about financial security and if we could even do this. Of course we make this happen and we do the best that we can for our family. It's not just about newest clothes or most updated movies. Quality time with each other making forts or reading stories. From my childhood those are the things that I remember. With us being adults and having to walk a fine line between being a child or an adult and especially if you are recently married its even harder to find where you fit. During this time I was nervous but I knew that I could do it. So I needed some backup, I went to my guru, my Mr. Miyagi about life, my know it all, My mom. I asked her, are you proud of what I've done? 

The crazy thing is, she couldn't give me an answer. All I received was, whats best for you and your family, that's something that only you can know.  How proud am I of myself? Do I still need my mothers approval for what I'm doing?  There are moments where I'm not sure of what I'm doing but I feel like I'm doing a good job. Sometimes at the end of the day you just need someone to hug you, and tell you, Yes I'm proud of you and you are doing an amazing job. 

To all of the moms, step moms, grand-moms  dads, step dads and granddad, here is your virtual hug. Yes, I am proud of you for being selfless and putting others before you. Yes, I am proud of you for putting yourself on hold, your life, your job, or even being able to work and take care of your family at the same time. You are doing an amazing job.

I leveled up in real life.

It wasn't like I hit enough gold coins, or captured the flag, in parenting I leveled up. 

I've never been a mother type. At least to my self, to others maybe but I never felt that I would be one to ooh and awe and coo or kiss boo boos. After a few rough days acclimating myself to this "stay at home here me roar" days we finally had a break through. I'm not sure if many other parents go through this stage or not but it's literally draining,

 The dreaded WHY stage...

Why do I have to brush my teeth? 

Why do I have to wear a seat belt?

Why do I need to change my underwear?

Why does it look like you are turning red?

Why do I need to do homework?

Why, Why, Why, Why. 

I never wanted to be the adult that always stated.. because I said so. 

I never yelled, or screamed and I calmly explained about why we do the things we do and the effects that happen if we don't follow those things. It happened, I finally flew off my rocker. After about a series of 100  20 questions I finally reached my maximum of questions and I blew. I said those dreaded "Because I said So."  At this point the child ruled the house, what to do, when to do it, whats going on etc. Yes this is completely my fault but I thought if I kept her happy the child would listen to me. Boy was I wrong. I finally yelled and set her to her room, there were tears, screams and false temper tantrums. 

There was shift in the force after this moment. I know know if the heavens opened up and a light was shining or what. After this moment there was a shift in the universe. I finally became an authority figure. Now don't get me wrong, I tend to not yell at the child, or anything else but I finally can give a stern look at her, she takes me seriously.  

After all this I'm still dealing with self worth. All those moms out there, do you ever need to have a self worth fulfilled. When your husband comes home, would you sometimes like for him to say "great job, doing homework, cooking, dinner, and cleaning the house and keeping the child alive!" Or am I just over thinking this. I'm used to having constructive criticism at my previous place of employment but now, I'm not sure what to do. I need to feel useful. I guess my issue is that even with working 60 hours a week I still cooked dinner, cleaned the house and helped with homework. I'm just not sure if this is what I meant to do. Anyone else have these insecurities? 

What happens when life stops....

I'm starring at the glow of my miraculously bright cell phone light (I really need to lower that) check the time once again... it currently reads 5:45 A.M. If this were a normal day I would be getting ready for a 9+ hour day of work, running from room to room trying to figure out schedules and where the doctors go. This day is different. This day is the day that I have to change my identity from a hard working independent women to a... stay at home mom. Now before I hear all the yells and cries and how being a stay at home mom is the hardest job. (Trust me I know) I need to explain a few things.

1. I never thought I would get married.. Well it's been 108 days since I've said I Do.
2. I never wanted kids... My husband has a 6 year old munchkin who I adore.
3. My job was my life.

Lets go back to #3. My job was my life.. I did not work to live.. I lived to work. How can someone who is constantly going and multitasking change their life? It feels that there was a complete halt in my life.
My mother raised me to believe in taking care of yourself, doing things for you, and never letting someone control your life. To say the least we were raised to be very independent females.

So I start on this journey of being in charge of a schedule for a little one, taking care of what to do and where we go and whats for lunch. I've also never looked forward towards bed time so much in my life.

I guess the real question is, am I doing the right thing? Am I doing whats best for my family? For my relationship with my husband? And our daughter? I'm not sure of the answer yet. But I feel like I'm in the right direction. I know there will bumps along the way and things may not be going how I want them.. but I guess in the end as long as their alive happy, healthy and you still hear I love you at the end of the night. I'm doing something right.